One Rule

“One Rule to perplex them all, One Rule to frustrate them,
One Rule to prevent them all and in the darkness bind them!”

As bizarrely complex, unnecessary and irrational at times as I have found the administrative process in KSA to be, I feel I am getting closer to understanding why it is the way that it is after having identified (what I purport to be) the fundamental and underlying principle that is at the root of all this bureaucracy.

To the untrained eye there may seem a myriad of frustrating conditions to be fulfilled, re-fulfilled, photocopied, triplicated, stamped and finally countersigned, for even the simplest of tasks to be successfully executed. However, I have come to the conclusion that there is in reality but “One Rule” that stands alone, above and governing all others.

It is this “One Rule” that has spawned the various bureaucratic labyrinths that an expatriate such as myself must navigate to fulfil his daily needs.

Quite simply put, the “One Rule” is:

“Never do something for someone the first time they ask.”

From this simple yet frustratingly effective principle all other rules/requirements/conditions/prerequisites are born and dutifully enforced.

If a person needs to do a particular thing and comes seeking the help of an administrative clerk to achieve it, it seems mandatory for said clerk to thwart his first attempt at achieving his goal (more experienced bukra-crats will be able to thwart multiple attempts before finally capitulating and doing their job).

Rather than telling this hopeful individual that they are obliged to prevent all first attempts, your average clerk will hide this principle from public light by citing a subsidiary rule for his inability to act upon the request as presented.

It is my belief that it was through this need to be able to cite “other reasons” for not helping someone the first time they ask, that all these other conditions to be fulfilled were born.

Such that a simple first request for assistance is met with replies like:

“Come back with a signed stamped photocopy of your passport and I will do it for you.”

“Your form is correctly filled out but I need it stamped and countersigned by some guy who’s just gone on vacation for two weeks, before I can proceed any further with it.”

Or, more blatantly, “Cross my palm with silver *hint, hint*.”

It’s not that any of these conditions, in and of themselves, actually need to be fulfilled; to my mind they are merely a ruse for perverting your first effort at getting whatever it is that you need to be done.

This underlying principle is so deeply embedded in the admin process, to such an extent that a new “rule” can easily be invented on the spot to preserve the sanctity of this “One Rule”; especially when existing conditions have been fulfilled and the clerk fears he may be forced into helping someone without first turning them away.

To truly witness this principle in action you need to go somewhere fully prepared and researched for the task at hand. Having arrived with everything “in order”, you will witness the squirming and labour pains on the clerk’s face as he gives birth to a new rule in front of your very eyes, lest he have to succumb to doing what you require of him.

A case in point, I needed to open a bank account and being fully aware of the tendency for people to spring “rules” on unsuspecting victims, I conducted thorough research by surveying previously successful applicants, as to what exactly it was that they needed to open an account.

I then dutifully brought all of the documentation that previous bank-account-openers informed me they had been asked for, with me on my first visit to the bank.

I approached the customer “help” desk and politely excused myself for interrupting the bank teller from listening to his iPod.

I explained that I’d like to open a bank account and straight away he went on the defensive “You will need to bring…”

I smiled and interrupted his flow by pulling out a folder from my bag and began listing the documentation I’d brought with me.

I had a stamped, authenticated photocopy of my passport (as employers tend to keep the original);

A ta’rīf from my employer (a stamped, signed letter to say that “Yes, this guy works for me.”);

and my brand spanking new and shiny iqāma!

“Ta-dā!” I thought.

He looked uncomfortable, thought a little and then said “You will also need a photocopy of your iqāma signed and stamped by your employer to say that this is indeed a photocopy of your iqāma.”

I looked back in disbelief.

”But I have the ‘original‘ iqāma here?”

“Yes, but we need a photocopy of it signed to say that it is an authentic photocopy.”

Surely this couldn’t be true?

If he were to tilt my iqāma in the light the hologram on it would do what holograms do; the face on the card looks suspiciously like the one sitting before him; and, I’m sure if he asked me politely I could even provide other forms of identification to match the name inscribed on the iqāma. Couldn’t these visual checks and this potential game of I.D. snap be taken as proof of authenticity?

I may be going out on a presumptuous limb here, but won’t the bank have a photocopy manchine? Couldn’t he visually ascertain the iqāma‘s authenticty and then simply make a photocopy of it himself?

Well, no!

“You just need to come back with a photocopy of your iqāma signed, stamped and authenticated and I’ll be able to open an account for you, no problem.”

I think he saw the despair in my eyes and so added:

“But don’t worry I’ll make an appointment for you now.”

He turned to his computer and feverously began tapping away as I sat there in stunned silence.

“Yes, erm, you can come back one week from tomorrow, but you must come between 8 and 12.”

I stirred again “But I will be at work then, can’t I come at a similar time to this, like say after three o’clock?”

Without blinking he shrugged and said “Yes, whenever.”

Whenever! I fumed to myself; when – try not to swear – ever?!

If I can come “whenever”, what is the point in making that big show of booking me an appointment?

And with that the little Frodo inside me turned to the ageing wizard next to it and said “Listen Gandalf mate! There’s little hope of me ever destroying this ‘One Rule’, so I’m off back to Bag-end to wait for the hordes of Sauron to run amok in The Shire. You can find some other mug to save Middle Earth from its evil because I, quite frankly, give up!”